It's been a long 9 months. I mean a long 9 months. It's funny how you think you are truly in control of your life, until you see it spiraling out of control, and you can't put your finger on where the spiral actually began. I mean it was just 15 months ago I was probably the happiest I have been for some time. On the verge of releasing my 6th studio album, hit single on the charts, rolling with the female icon of the world as my woman and then just as quickly as I was up, I was down again. Lies, and rumors cause a break up with my love, outburts on social media, "friends" to keep the space occupied in my life, disagreements with my mother, a stupid altercation in DC, a voluntary rehab stint where they begin to tell me that this shouldn't be voluntary and that I really need this time, and should consider staying in their, to being ordered to stay. A female who I continually to try to be a friend to, showing me her true motives of using my name simply for promotion, and growth in an industry that she doesn't even understand will chew her up and spit her out if she not careful. And is there even a reason to speak on the dudes..probably not. It's amazing how my thinking has changed from the time this process started to now...finishing up a 1yr sentence, spending the last 3 months in jail.
You know when this thing first started, back in 09 I would have quickly went to jail, so that she would never have to experience a trial, or be questioned as to what took place that night. I swear it was not to protect me at all, I simply didn't want anyone to look at my baby girl in a negative manner. I would die first. And today I realize I still feel the same. So now looking back at these past few months of my life...as I prepare to exit this place, I know now, this had to happen. (chuckles) It's funny she always says I won't listen..well when you on lockdown for 23hrs a day, it's funny how you find yourself doing nothing but listening..listening for the clank of keys at your cell, the fumbling of the sliding door to push your food tray in, the breathing of the person in the next cell, hell, your own breathing for that matter. It's crazy you know..a nigga was thinking he had this thing just where he wanted it. But life never goes as you plan it. Now I realize we better be grateful it doesn't. I had this grand plan where I was going to soar back to the top of the charts, have my lady by my side, keep all the friends I gathered around me, and live it up. It's not until now, that I realized that plan would have been settling. It was no way even close to what the Big Guy upstairs had planned for me.
Since I was a little kid, I would pray to God and ask Him to please make me into something. I told Him I wanted to do something great in the world. That I wanted to be somebody that my mother could be proud of. I wanted to have the baddest woman in the world as my wife. You know the type of woman that every man would envy me to have, and yet she had to have some brains, and yet be fun all at the same time. Heck I asked for a female version of myself. (smiling)...That's exactly what I got. And then when I seen her, I thought so little of myself that I couldn't even believe that she was for me. I think now that was a big part of our demise. But beyond her, I realize the things I was praying for...there was no way the devil was going to let all that happen without at least challenging it. Man for all the days in church and Sunday school I spent I realized I had no idea what I was going to be up against. Yet how could I when I really put my most important relationship on the back burner as the things I prayed for began to come to manifestation. How cocky was I to think that now that I had what I prayed for that I didn't need God to help me keep those things. Yet this time spent in jail, I understand wholeheartedly now that anything God gives, you need Him to maintain it.
Now that I'm about to exit out of this place, it's like a spiritual release as much as a physical release. I know that i will have to deal with everything that I didn't want to deal with while I was out. But I believe with all my heart now that it's time to cut my losses with certain people, and to let go of those who were never meant to go where God is leading me. Imagine how small I felt when The Lord said He called me to a generation? Me? Christopher Brown called to speak His word, by telling my testimony to bring people to Christ. It's just crazy to even think about. I mean I can step up on a stage and sing to millions, but I know without a shadow of a doubt to stand before that same crowd and speak of all that The Lord has done for me, I will definitely need His Spirit to do. Yet I get to do it with the woman He created to help me. The woman He gave a dowry that was fit just for me. I get to do this thing with her by my side.
You know it's so funny, because when we started to communicate again back while she was on tour and from the time I sent her the roses, I somehow believed that she was going to realize she had everything all wrong and she would just run back to me..but no..she so petty..lol. Naw seriously I know now it was all of God's doing. Man if she had given in, there is no way I would be walking in the clarity I have now. When The Lord revealed to me that He was humbling me from my personal life...my heart was in complete rebellion mode. I'm like Im the most humble person I know..lol. Yet The Lord is so merciful, and began to explain to me how He had humbled me from the fame right after the '09 situation when I almost lost it all, He let me know, I was never going to lose it all, yet I was humbled (the devil meant it for me to never have a career in this industry ever, but God said no). Yet I played this game with Rihanna. She knew that Kae was never someone that I truly loved, but I used her to take my "time" with truly committing to a relationship with Rihanna. I never told her this but it was because I was so scared that she would leave me again..and I could not even imagine going through the pain I went through in 09-10 again. So I was feeling my way around. I told her that because we were sleeping together that i would not sleep with Kae, but the waters became so muddy, that I myself didn't know what I was doing. I was so cocky that it didn't matter what I did, being seen giving Kae money, walking into the hotel with her, just nonesense. I was so caught up in public opinion that I decided to make a video hoping to depict my true feelings and somehow be able to walk away from Kae without the world thinking I was this big butthole, but in the meantime I messed up. I ended up making it sound like the two loves was equated to each other. Although the video showed two entirely different relationships, I said "is it possible to love two people" as if it was the same type of love. Little did I know that actually gave Kae all types of leverage to make our relationship look like more than it was. I swear the more I tried to explain that she was just a friend, or called her the homey, the more ppl kept calling her my ride or die. Yet in the meantime no one had any idea that I was still communicating with Robyn.
You know being locked up, I swear you hear news almost as quickly as being on social media. The news of Robyn flying behind Drake was probably the worst thing ever to endure..and to a point that i prayed asking The Lord to please remove her from my heart. I mean that was the ultimate slap in the face to me. I had the right to be angry...right? And I heard The Lord say, "No. To remove her from your heart would be to violate my word. My word that I spoke into the both of you, before you were ever placed into your mother's wombs. And I hold My word above My name." That statement left me in tears. I mean I thought I would die the first time I lost her, and after that and all I was going through in 2013, I just knew then there was no way I would make it out of here alive. I have been diagnosed as being Bi-Polar II, Insomniac, Stress Disorder, and now I'm being told no to removing this woman from my life, because surely was the cause of my downfall...right? And again The Lord answered No. He said understand the spiritual order of things My son. Remember that the man was not made for the woman's benefit...she was made for man's benefit, to help him. Then you know that means I have given her something (a dowry) that is fit for the one I created her to help. Eve had in her everything needed to help Adam to do all I purposed him to do. For you Christopher, Robyn was created to help you do the same. Just as the enemy came after Eve to bring dissension between the two...the same he did to you and Robyn. Yet I have spoken My word over the two of you...ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE LORD AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. So what he attempted to do to make sure we never come together is the very thing that strengthens our bond. Because it's like the world vs us. Because no matter who side is taken, no one knows what happened so we are able to protect each other in a way.
You know people were calling for my baby's head because she wasn't showing up to my court dates once I was placed in jail...but what people don't know is I asked her not too. Man look, it was hard enough for a brother to walk in shackled knowing that not only would possible team breezy members be in there, but my mother as well, and they would see me like that...but my BIGGEST FAN, naw...a nigga would have broke down for real. Man ya'll think she so tough, listen..I know she would have cried like a baby every time they brought me in and when I would have to be taken back again...I would die, before I let her see that.
Hmph standing at this this gate waiting for my ride, one thing I have reconciled in my heart...that the only plan that is good for me, is the one that God set forth. I have lived this life 25yrs and realized that without His guidance downhill is where I will end up. As I see the black SUV drive up, I take one last look at prison (physically and spiritually), determining in my heart I will not be snared by the tactics of the enemy again, instead it's time to apply all that the Lord has taught me during this time. While in mid-thought the door flew open and there they were, my two favorite ladies in the world, my mother and my soon to be wife.
As I am being tackled by them both I simply lift my chin to the sky and mouth a thank you. And I silently asked my Father to let this EXIT be for good, and to cover me for where He is taking me.