To my Bajan Princess
I never thought things would be this hard. Not now. Not after all we've endured. We been through so much, and I take my share of the responsibility for that. Who am I kidding (I love you so much) I'll take all the responsibility. But I believed with all my heart that once I got you back (yea brother had faith :-)) that i would never have to experience being without you again. But I was wrong! So wrong! Dead wrong!
When you told me this wasn't going to work, that you needed some space from me, that you felt like something wasn't right, and until you could put your finger on it, there would be no more us, I thought to myself: She just tripping there is no way in hell after all we've been through that she want to break up with me. And there was that long ass pause from your side of the phone, and you looked at me with those green eyes, filled with tears on FaceTime (that you would not allow to fall) and you said two of the most devastating words ever: "Im serious!" I died!
Right then, with those two words I realized that the bible is true: The power of life and death are in the tongue. Because all I heard was death to all I seen for the future for us. I replayed those two words for weeks, months, and I just cannot grasp, why? What happened? You gave me no warning baby. I saw no signs that we would ever end forever! (And I'm still not convinced that this is a forever goodbye). I mean how are WE gone separate what God has put together?
Robyn please! See even as I'm typing this email, I know one thing only: You still LOVE ME! That you still care. That I still matter to you. I can't lie and say I was just so confident, but through prayer, I have come to understand what real love looks like, and it's us baby.
And since I'm typing...might as well address your insecurities, your fears, and your pride. First your insecurities: there IS NOT a woman alive on this earth (as far as a mate is concerned) that I have ever LOVED, am loving, or will love that amounts to an ounce of the LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU! I would give my lfie for you! This you know! And isn't that how God showed his true love to His bride (us) that He would lay down HIs life for us? A zillion groupies, $ to the ceiling, ego, nothing can turn me away from loving you! Second, your fears. I kow it was scary for you to lay it all on the line in every magazine interview (2012), in front of your bosses, your family, your friends, and then the entire world with your Oprah interview about how you feel for me. I know you were afraid! I know you were afraid when you flew to Berlin on Thanksgiving, after doing your own exhausting tour (my wife bad 777). And i konw you were scared to leave your family on Christmas to come be with me off of a simple request from me (because I couldn't come to you). You were even afraid that somehow I would miss your birthday. FEAR! ROBYN fear comes to rob you of LOVE. REMEMBER that verse you told me to look up? I think it says "Perfect love cast out all fear." Your fears made you question our love, and once that first "what if" entered I knew it was hard to stop the rest of those thoughts from coming. And doom was impeding our progress. That spirit took over and choked out my opportunity, our opportunity to be fruitful and multiply (lol). Our second chance of being beautiful. So I knew I had to find out when the door was opened for that spirit of fear to just walk in? I'm sure I found it, the night I left the club, and all the paps caught was me, two females, and the rest...but YOU KNOW ME Robyn, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't destroy what I worked so hard to get back, (and I know only God could soften your heart to bring you back to me...here's to praying he will do it again) that I would throw it away like that! Then their is pride. YOU WENT COLD TURKEY ON ME! Just cancelled me out of your life!! Just seemingly forgot about you and me. No phone calls, no texts, not FaceTime, no emails, just QUIT! MY HEART BROKE! I think emotionally I relieved 09 again. I DIED! And I've learned that a "dead" man has nothing to lose, so I became reckless vs inspired! I became fed up and hurtful. I lashed out, I spoke death, I walked around with no aim, but a sure target...YOU! Yet you stayed unphased. Simply put YOU CHANGED! In your heart everything you feared came true, and then your pride kicked in as your defense mechanism to protect you from...me! Damn! I never wanted you to feel as if you needed protecting from me ever again. But Robyn this time your pride is leading to the destruction of God's plan for our lives.
Remember we talked about this: we both came to know it's God's wil, that we were put together. Remember we tried to Quit...we came up with every reason of how or why it wouldn't work, but remembered the ONE reason God said it would work? It's His will!!
So who are we to walk away from whatever this glorious plan is that He has for our lives? I realized my fears of growing up, being a man, marrying you, giving you a house full of bad ass kids :-) was from my own insecurity that I wasn't good enough! Wasn't good enough to even deserve you, nor the happiness you constantly told me that our FOREVER would bring. I kept thinking about your worth that I forgot to tally up my own value. Well God did it for me princess. He gave me a value of a king which makes you worth more than queen, it makes you a Proverbs 31 woman (that's the woman built for a king). So I'll end this by saying, it's not about where we are now but where we are going (I'm praying together), through Christ I have enough love in me for you that I'm WAITING, preparing, and growing to match where you are, so that we can become ONE again. I'm alive again! One soudn of your voice (see the power of the tongue) and I'm alive again. We gone make it Robs, for real we are. My biggest lesson: Any GIFT that GOD gives us...we cannot properly maintain it without HIM. So this time I handle you with care. Through HIM, just like Fine China ...stop laughing I know corny.
P.S. I'm good! I love you! And um well...um (cheesing) can you express mail me the um smell of my love...yea I'm weird, but only for you! February is over 30 days away babe...:(
Your King Christopher