I just got off the phone with my mom, and I feel so much better, now that I have apologized for acting a fool by throwing a rock and breaking the window out of her car. Honestly I just picked up the rock and threw it, not necessarily aiming at her car, but it would be my luck that I would end up being accurate to that degree...smh. But I just didn't want to continue treatment. Yo I felt crazy for real, no weed, no cigarettes...I could live without the alcohol, but I didn't realize how dependent I had become on those. My stress level stayed at an all time high, and I looked to those things to calm me down, instead of looking to the SOURCE, that my mom taught me about my whole life: JESUS. Yet here I am now, no voluntary stint, but court ordered, 90 days. I swear it's totally different when you know you are free to go whenever you want versus being "locked" up for the duration of a set time. So I keep reminding myself it's for the best. This is going to help me. I been in here for a few days, no phone, no laptop, nothing. Just me and my thoughts. I can't lie, I cried like a baby my first night, the second night I was mad at the world. Third night i was mad at HER! She out there looking like she don't have a care in the world, and I'm going through it. She know me, actually better than I know myself. She wasn't phased by "I'm Still" she just continued on with what she was doing. When I called her, she simply said, whatever, I don't have the time to even worry bout that. And we just tripped after that. But then she cut me off again! Karrueche! Fourth day I was mad at myself. How can I be so gullible? I know what Kae up to, yet I say nothing. I tell myself, just do whatever it takes to help her get established in the this industry ( I know she want fame and money) so I can just leave her alone. My mom does not like her or my friends. The problems between Robs and I definitely stemmed from all of them trying to prove to me she was messing around on me ( I believed it because she wasn't how she use to be. A nigga use to not be able to breathe without inhaling her scent because she was right there...and i miss that). But now she let me have "space", and she would chill with her girls and I couldn't understand that. I hate CHANGE. I couldn't follow her freely because of being on probation, and then I didn't want to look like I was sprung to my boys (yea I know that's childish, but hey), but look, they got their chicks and I'm over here pretending with this one. But today, according to momma I may have a visitor, she sounded so excited. I swear that woman love Robyn more than me sometimes...lol. I have no idea how this is going to go..but I'll start with congratulations Icon, and see where that leads us.
I swear I live on this plane. Me, Mel, Rorrey, and Leandra headed back to New York so we could turn up for my lil big bro birthday at Finale night club. I love this dude man. But I can't lie, I couldn't wait to return to L. A. because I had to see him. I have to make sure he knows that I care about him still and what he is going through. Fans and media buying into this whole thing with him and ol girl, but I don't. So until he tells me different, I just have to go with my gut on this one. After talking to Joyce, I felt somewhat better about this court ordered rehab stay. Chris is not a monster, he is not sitting around angry all the time. He is so kind-hearted and loving tdhat it sometimes bring people into his life that has no business being their. OHB for instance. When Joyce and I talked we noticed that a lot of things came back to his crew, and honestly that's where we began to have a lot of our problems..it's not all of them on why we broke up, but they definitely played their part. Also miscommunication, I swear he never listened to me. It's like he heard me, but he wasn't listening..ugh. I'm thinking he needs space & don't want me crowding him like I use too. I can't lie, when he moved I moved I moved..just like that lol. Yes because I was insecure to a degree (he is Chris Brown for goodness sake), possessive (the day he told me it was mine, I took that to heart...CJ has no other playmates) and obsessed with waking up in his arms. Before we ever had sex, he was my best friend, so we often found ourselves hugged up, sleeping together, and even as his friend I didn't want anyone else in that spot. And later I realized he felt the exact same way. And now here we are! Not knowing which way to go. Walk away for good, or back to love? So this visit is necessary. I look out the window of jet...it's Thanksgiving morning...LAX.
Why am i so nervous its just Robyn. I've known her over 9yrs..but my palms are sweating, my pulse is racing, my stomach is doing flips...Chris get it together. I just don't want this to go badly. I mean if nothing else I just want us to be cool with each other. I mean she coming to see me, I didn't ask her too, so that says something...right? Well I look fly, well as good as I can in here anyway. No jewlry, plain white tee, sweats, and J's.
Mr. Brown the staff member called out as she knocked on my room door...you have a visitor. I turned around, started from the bottom and made my way up. Jordans, legs for days, shorts, belly out, crop top, I licked my lips as I moved up, cause If I still know her, I know there is nothing underneath that top, but um jewlry...bingo! Heart-shaped lips, green eyes...and WTH..I fell out laughing. She looked at me like I was crazy..what's wrong with you, she asked? Robs why do you still have your hair like that? I thought you were crazy when I seen you rock it at the AMA's but you still rocking it? She gave me a straight face..almost no emotion, and I stopped laughing! In true Robyn fashion she started in on my beard, and ended on my hair line...and then we both fell out. She walked over to me and paused: "can I hug you?" she asked. I grabbed her up and put my face in the crook of her neck, and the emotion just overwhelmed me. She smelled so good, just perfect.
I watched Chris turn and give my body a full examination, and then the complete hysteric laughter as he got to my head. I knew he would clown me for it, but I didn't care. I wasn't on tour anymore, and I just wanted something easy. The Navy still going in about it, but they'll be alright. I'm glad he broke the ice like that cause all I was thinking when I seen him is I want to touch him! After we finished clowing each other, it got silent for what seemed like an eternity. That silence that comes when two people have so much to say but no idea how to start. So I just asked for permission to just touch him, and he quickly obliged. I know it sounds crazy that I would ask for permission to touch him, but with so much that has gone on between us, I didn't want to assume anything as it pertained to us. I put my arms around his neck, and just leaned into his chest, and he buried his face into my neck, and I just leaned into his as well. The emotion was overwhelming. After that, I leaned back with my arms till around his neck, and looked into his eyes. I seen the past 4yrs. I seen the hope of the next 4yrs, and I seen the current struggle all of today all in the tears forming in his eyes. He put his head down, leaning against my head, and I just wanted to take the pain away. I wanted to reassure him that he would be fine, that God got him. I just wanted him to know...I care, and that I was there! So I did what came natural..with his head leaning against mine, I tilted up and grabbed his bottom lip and sucked on it, let it go and did the same with the top. His eyes were staring intently at me, and without blinking he covered my lips with his, put his hands on my waist and then pulled back.
That kiss was...whew! I was gone, I was already in the next 4yrs of my life. In that kiss I tasted the rest of my life...and it was wonderful. Words had escaped me, and once again I was lost in her. I knew she just wanted to make me feel better. She wanted me to know she still loved me. But this time she was going to have to this on her own. She was going to have to come after me...I wanted more, I wanted to know she would not leave me. So I pulled back. Now what she does next will tell me a lot.
I can't lie I was shocked. He pulled back. My first instinct was to think he was rejecting me. he He don't love me anymore. Leave now while you still have some shred of dignity left. But then I shut that off. I asked myself two questions: Is love enough? Can it conquer all things? My answer was yes. So from that point I knew what he needed....me to prove that i wouldn't run away! I realized I was looking at this man, he was broken, he was vulnerable, he was in a state of need...he was my man. I looked at him and said: "Chris I'm not leaving you. I'm not running away. I love you. And I'm here for you. So if you stopped this moment to watch me walk away..I'm sorry it's not going to happen." And with that he leaned up against the wall, put his arms behind his back and said, "show me." That stance always meant one thing...he was giving me complete control of where we went next. I laid my body against his, put my arms around his waist, interlocking our fingers and said..this move right here is to say to you I don't need complete control, we in this together. As long as I have your heart, and it trust confidently in me, you have my womb, it was given for me to "birth" out every seed of greatness in you...so come into me baby. He looked at me with his eyes well into the "future" now, undressing the both of us...he whispered, "I have no protection," and I whispered "it's only needed if you not ready to plant your seed"...he smiled...here we were in a rehab center, naked physically, and spiritually for the first time, at the same time...and as he was about to plant the next years of our life...a knock at the door, Mr. Brown visiting hours are over.