How did I get here?
The officer unlocked the handcuffs from my wrist, and it still had not truly entered into my mind where I was, and why I was here? I mean I just got finished doing my community service, and upon my arrival to the place that would be my "home" for the next 38 days, I see a sheriff's car, and police officers standing there waiting for someone. I can remember thinking, "oh boy what has happened now?" Little did I know, they were there for me.
The officer stated: "Mr. Brown? I said yes, he said Christopher Brown? I said yes again. He responded with I have a warrant for your arrest, can you please put your hands behind your back? My mouth fell open and I began looking around for anyone who could shed some light on what in the world was going on. My mind began to become frantic trying to go back over the day..and what I could have possibly done to cause this to happen? As the officer read me my rights all I could think of was once again, my decisions will cause pain, embarrassment and trouble. Man none of this stuff would even be an issue to me, I don't care what they do to me at this point, but I hate bringing the ones I love so much pain. I hate to even think about someone criticizing me to my mother, or family. I know they will defend me to the ends of the earth..but why have I put them in the position to have to? I have no more pity even for my own self at this point. Lord, seriously I have ran out of excuses, I have no more anything. I get it...either submit or be destroyed. Because it's obvious that everything I have done without you..it's being stripped right from my hands at this moment and there is nothing I can do about it. I just wanted to die!
A single tear rolled down my face.
My chest got tight!
I couldn't hear anything around me!r5
I couldn't see anything in front of me!
My chest got tighter!
I couldn't speak! I couldn't breathe! My nostrils were flaring..but nothing!
Oh my God am I dying?
At that moment I could l see my life. All that I have been through, from the day I was born (literally)...I could see me being delivered..heard my first cry..and seen the tears in my mothers eyes..she was so proud.
I could see me at 4yrs old...and again..I can't breathe. I'm laying in my bed and I hear a loud cry from my mothers room. I just pull the covers up, and my tears fill the pillow. I close my eyes..as I hear another loud cry. At the moment I escaped from my room. I'm in my own imagination...and I have my mother and sister and we are running...running...running..but when I look back..I'm alone!
I smile cause I see myself at 13 on the basketball court. I'm pretty good. I remember thinking I can go to the NBA and be great. But every time I truly see myself in the future, Im on a stage, and there are 1000's screaming my name. Most of them females..lol. But if this thing don't work out..I have basketball to fall back on.
My mouth falls open...I'm gasping for air!
There she is...beautiful! No gorgeous! Hell I can't describe the grandness of how she looks..it's so foreign to me at this point..and her heart...her heart..it matches mine. I can see us at the amusement park, I see our rendezvous in Paris, I see our Christmas in Barbados...honestly, I could see the next 50 years of my life in her eyes. Those eyes: Medusa...captivating, mysterious, afraid, trapped..just like me. At that moment I realized that was our problem, neither of us had dealt with the one pivotal thing that made us so relatable to one another..our past. We cried at night in each other's arms about certain events (she more so than I...ego). And yet we never cried on the arms of the ONE who could truly heal us.
(SCREAMS) AHHHHH! Not one officer turns around..they can't hear me. Tears in full force on my face...I left her there. On the street! Even in this vision..I can't remember the fullness of what happened..it's a blur! That feeling returns...if she ever leaves..I have to have someone to take her place. It's the only reason I'm even making these bad choices...FEAR. All of a sudden I realize that every since I was 4 years old my greatest fear was being left alone ....IN THIS WORLD, with no one who truly loves me. Loves me enough to stay through everything. You know...unconditional love. I realized I didn't want someone to be a doormat..I wanted someone who cared enough to STAY. But who am I fooling, how much can one person take? Nothing compares to the THOUGHT of LOVE! I realized...when I was 4yrs old the thought of my mom dying and leaving me left me helpless and ALONE!
I fell over in the backseat with my hands still handcuffed behind my back, tear stained face...and I was able to barely speak..but these words I uttered: "Lord if you let me LIVE, I will do your will. And Lord, I receive your LOVE."
And just like that, it was if a burden was lifted off my chest. My breath returned to normal, my strength returned in my body. I was RESTORED. On Monday...I'm no longer worried..but restored! I have a destiny to fulfill, and no demon in hell will stop me from walking in that.
He restores my soul!
Christopher M Brown