The stress was almost unbearable. It’s like I can feel myself breaking
down. Damn! Why? How? When? Did I get here? (Turns the shower on)..Who
is this man I see in this mirror? My life is nowhere near where I
imagined it to be just a few short years ago. God WHY? I’m only 24yrs
old, and I feel like I’m a 100! (Turns to the beats by dre boombox…hits
play on his iphone..put the music on random…first song) STAY! Really
I’m standing here listening to the lyrics..imagining why didn’t it
work this time? Aghhhhh! It’s time to start asking myself the hard
questions. (Undresses and steps into the shower)
God you could not have made a more beautiful woman for my eyes to
behold on that night. I could have married her right then! (A still
small voice…Chris why didn’t you?) Huh? (Why didn’t you…the voice
said)…I thought about that as the water hit roughly off the back of my
neck. I’m too young to get married. I have too much to do. I have my
family to take care of..I mean I have to make sure my people taken care
of, and my artist…before I have my own personal family. It would be
wrong to leave them hanging..I mean wouldn’t it Lord? Lord? Oh now you
want to be quiet…PLEASE LORD…I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW! (The water is almost
scalding hot on my back right now..just how I like it..my muscles are
starting to relax), but my mind is racing.
Chris why have you never asked ME what was the plan I have for your
life?(The still small voice said) I had to think about that! I mean I
pray (sometimes), I believe..but I mean I thought you said..you only
help those who help themselves? So I just did what I thought was right.
And since when helping people is not in YOUR plan for anyone’s life?
(smirk…oops sorry Lord…humbled…song changes..Turn Up The Music (Remix))
Dang should I turn the music off? No I don’t want to stop this
conversation for any reason..
Chris helping people is not your issue. Robyn is not your issue. The
haters are not even your issue…you my son are your issue. You went from
being humble to feeling unworthy! You have truly convinced yourself that
what is happening in your life..you totally deserve it. You have
actually attempted to prepare your heart to live beneath the LIFE I HAVE
PLANNED FOR YOU! You constantly say in interview that you have to earn
back the people trust, that you understand why people treat you in the
manner they do, that you have accepted that it will always be this
way..but you will just keep trying to earn their approval. STOP IT!
Their is only ONE approval status you need, and I AM HERE TO TELL
YOU…APPROVED! I LOVE you! Not like the world LOVES you! My love
Christopher is UNCONDITIONAL. There is NOTHING you can do that will make
ME stop loving you. (I’m in full blow tears..on my knees in the
Lord please tell me what I am suppose to do now? The enemy seems to
be closing in on me from every side…I can’t breathe…and and and I just
don’t know what to do. (Lifting my hands up..something I remembered
seeing my mom do at church during altar call)…I surrender to YOUR will.
It’s obvious that I need YOUR WISDOM to complete this journey YOU have
planned for my life. Lord it seems the man that I prayed I would never
become..I have become him…TEARS…MY HEART IS SO HEAVY…she hates me…I
can’t touch her heart anymore..did I choose wrong…is she my wife..Aghhh
please Lord…tell your servant what to do!
Chris stand up (the water is lukewarm right now) life your head
toward heaven…open your eyes son. Now close them…start to envision your
life…from this moment to the next 5yrs…what do you see?
My song “I Wanna Be" began to play…all I could see was her
eyes…staring at me. Like they were piercing through to my soul. I seen
myself sitting in front of a judge..and hearing..probation is complete! I
literally felt the weight lift from my shoulders…and with it the
opinions of others, the responsibility for others..it all ended right
their. I kept my eyes closed. I then seen a city that looked like
London…and she was right there..holding my hand..and on her hip…a
child..our child..a daughter that looked just like her…(dang I’m crying
again)…I saw myself onstage and their were people as far as my eyes
could see..and yet my eyes seem to find hers in the crowd..and she looks
so proud! I seen 4 grammy’s sitting in my trophy case…I opened my
eyes…(the water was ice cold now)! Is that what you have for me Lord?
Chris I AM able to do superabundantly far over and above all that you
dare ask or think(beyond your highest prayers, desire, thoughts, hopes,
or dreams)…see son..everything the devil meant for your harm..I can
turn it around for your good. Your life shall bring glory to My name. And I tell you this not as My servant, but as your Father!
Change your speech…speak what YOU have heard Me say concerning you.
Trust in Me…and DON’T FEAR. PERFECT LOVE CAST OUT ALL FEAR…I have
elevated you for such a time as this! I have given to you the perfect
help meet! In her is the womb to help you continue to BIRTH OUT THE
VISION I HAVE GIVEN YOU. Her status will restore you, bring you FAVOR.
(He who finds a wife, finds a good thing obtain FAVOR from the Lord. And
it’s not the age that must mature..it’s the mind.
And with that, I simply turned the water off..smh…I slid down in the
shower..broken..yet completely healed, renewed, strengthen..believing
for myself..that GOD IS REAL…and that HE LOVES ME. And I finally
understood that my life has not been in vain…and my purpose is just
getting started. I picked myself up…told the Lord thank you.
I started laughing because the song playing now was “Another You"…I
looked up and said..okay..I know what I have to do..but Lord um could
you soften her heart toward me..one mo time…cause IM READY TO GO TO WAR!